The value of my life is defined more by the things I choose not to do
When you wake up, is your first thought, “What day is it and what do I need to get done today?” Do you formulate a long to-do list before your feet even hit the floor? I bet that’s not where it ends. You probably run through it again in the shower, add things to it while you’re getting ready, and feel like it’s your constant companion whispering unwelcome reminders in your ear all day.
There’s nothing wrong with having a to-do list. They are useful tools to remind you of necessary activities and if you use them right, they should help to keep your head clear. But it seems like they’re having the opposite effect. “Doing things” carries the addictive potential of a hard drug. The dopamine hit from crossing a task off your to-do list can be deeply satisfying, even if the thing on your list held no importance. It’s easy to see why it’s so tempting to keep adding things to the list and why it’s so distressing when things sit there unfinished. When the to-do list starts dictating your day and defining your self-worth, you eventually feel like a mouse on the treadmill, working hard but getting nowhere.
“I always clear out my email inbox before I leave for the day. I make sure I action every single email and then leave with an empty inbox. It sets me up right for the next day.” Not only was he falling for his brain’s trap of satisfaction in action, but this habit was also cutting into his time with family. It was not until he decided to take a closer look at what he was doing that he also noticed how many of the emails he sent during this time were unnecessary. Either he was responding when there was no need, asking someone else to take action prematurely, or creating more work for himself the next day. By removing this task off his to-do list at the end of each day, he also relieved much of the pressure he had been putting himself under when he was already tired.
To-do lists are only helpful tools when you also know what not to put on them. If you don’t have this discerning approach to each item before your add it, your list will inevitably grow and grow. It will get too long to be humanly possible to complete, it will cause great frustration when the day you had planned is not the day that unfolds, and it will drive you to undertake tasks that didn’t need to be done.
Rather than legitimizing their call for attention by adding them to a to-do list when they actually do not need to be done, and rather than letting them circle in your mind as loose ends, write them on a “not to do list”. It’s great to be able to recognize them for what they are, to consciously park them, and to therefore be able to save the precious time and energy for the things that were real needs and valued achievements.
Try this
The “NOT to do” list
Start by writing a comprehensive list of all the things you believe you must do over the next 24 hours. Include work tasks and general life tasks, and any little ideas that have been making you think, “Maybe I should do something about that”. As well as capturing all the physical tasks, also consider the things that are occupying your mental space and list those too, for example, worrying about how you’re going to get the three kids to different sporting events next weekend if it rains.
Now go through each item and ask the following questions:
- Does this activity need to be done now?
- Can I identify a real need that this activity will fulfill?
- Is this activity ready to be actioned, or does something more need to unfold first?
- Is this activity truly a stepping stone to the outcome I’m seeking, or could it end up being a waste of time or irrelevant?
- Does this activity deliver the right amount of value for the effort that will be required?
- Is this an activity that is mine to do, or am I taking on something that belongs to someone else?
- Will this activity make a difference to something meaningful, or will I just get a fleeting reward from ticking it off?
- If this activity is something I’m taking on by choice, will it bring me joy or take me closer to something I genuinely care about?
Consider your answers for each item, and now select which items can be transferred to your “not to do” list. It’s your choice and no one else can tell you where things belong, but simply asking yourself those questions and having an option to put things on a different list can be very freeing.
Each morning as you consider your day ahead and run through your to-do list, also write yourself a “not to do” list. Aim to put at least 3 things on it each day, and include all the things you are choosing to not spend time thinking about today. As you feel space returning to your life, resist the temptation to fill it with more things to do, and instead allow novel, joyful and inspiring things to arise.
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